1. |
1
01:20
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waiting for it to subside
this consciousness I can't dispel
last summer I wanted to die
I guess you don't know me that well
I don't know how to feel
don't want to reveal what I'm thinking
you try to get me to heal
don't want to revisit the sinking
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2. |
2
02:36
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sky, the beginning of the world
my eyes at the pivot of it all
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3. |
3
02:04
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warm to the touch
you stir me awake
I hold close to love
but you feel far away
these messy intentions, they seep right through
I might seem removed, but I notice things too
please don't water it down
just to keep me around
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4. |
4
03:09
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you are not an ending
you are the clouds opening
you are light
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5. |
5
06:38
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I sit still
try to find a quiet kind of thrill
I find it in your driveway
we wake up and it's raining
I find it in your arms
I look at myself
examine all the ways I depend on everyone else
I'm driving somewhere far
I want to crash my car
I'm not doing very well
I disappoint myself some nights
I want a way to un-waste time
am I still young?
am I still gentle?
I am peeling off what's dead
there is pulp inside my head
what will I hold?
what will I let go of?
take home something for yourself
and swallow something you want to yell
we turn and face the sky
it's sunny but our eyes are open wide
languid as a sunday
it's hard to look away
I'm feeling alright
I curl into my mind
I wish that I could feel like this
all the time
we stay up 'til we're clumsy
everything is funny
until I start to cry
I disappoint myself some nights
I want a way to un-waste time
am I still young?
am I still gentle?
I am peeling off what's dead
there is pulp inside my head
what will I hold?
what will I let go of?
take home something for yourself
and swallow something you want to yell
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6. |
6
01:41
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how crippling a scene
unzipping the obscene
you love to rip the seams
you could be so demeaning
it's small, but it's important
the little things that you'd miss
we're still learning to admit when
we're not worthy of forgiveness
you can't take it back
when things start to crack
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7. |
7
03:37
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we start to forget all the things we admire
i try to be good but I lie and I lie
I'm no good for you
It's hard to forget what you spoke into life
words are a truth you can never deny
I won't lose to you
change me, arrange me, erase me
fuck my frame, and call it baby
I'm chasing, I'm waiting, I'm wasting
project your love and call it engaging
so I'll give it time
who am I when I open my eyes
I think about you, but I'll find a way to be something without you
I give it space
who are you when I'm not in your way
I think about you, but I'll find a way to be something without you
we start to regret all the nights that we spent
wasting our time and playing pretend
I expose the truth
I still say your name when I'm falling asleep
I hate to admit you're a part of me
I let go of you
change me, arrange me, erase me
fuck my frame, and call it baby
I'm chasing, I'm waiting, I'm wasting
project your love and call it engaging
so I'll give it time
who am I when I open my eyes
I think about you, but I'll find a way to be something without you
I give it space
who are you when I'm not in your way
I think about you, but I'll find a way to be something without you
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8. |
8
01:59
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I don't think I love you, but I really want to
it's that simple, it's that intricate
I've tried to be better everyday since i met you
you're a good person, you deserve something more
but I don't want to be alone
it's so selfish, I know
it's so simple, it's so intricate
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9. |
9
01:42
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flowers placed like jewels into the grass
I want to find something that will last
birds streak like lights against the sky
I want to hold a thing that will not die
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10. |
10
01:24
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leave outside, at the door, begging for inclusion
this is where I'll try to make my bed, catalyze illusions
i'm obedient with my consent, not a picky eater
tie me to the porch when I want more, such a tricky keeper
why don't you touch me with sincerity
won't you treat me like a living thing
I'd run away if the roles were shifted
I run away when my chain is lifted
a good girl doesn't speak
groom me nice and make me clean
a good girl doesn't bite
keep my leash nice and tight
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11. |
11
01:29
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a persona that feeds something I'm not
I can't be sure of how I love
too late to go back now, too soon to go forward
I keep it to myself, i follow my orders
but
I want to feel something new
I want to feel something slow and true
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12. |
12
01:29
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take your sweet time and take me for granted
I just want to know what it's like to be cherished
I open my eyes to a life reprimanded
you hold so much pride in your warped understanding
I'm tethered to you
I regret somethings too
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13. |
13
04:34
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my porch light is yellow on the frost
I almost forgot that there might just be a god
my neighbor died last year
it's weird that I am here
I wish things could reappear
plastic apartments on the prairie
I'll admit it really scares me
I don't remember these
home didn't always feel this way
fake displays
but time put people in their place
home again, here i go again
I don't know what will still stand in the end
all these empty deals
with their big reveals
I wish I could find something that feels real
my mama tells me to be safe
kisses my face and sends me on my way
when I next return I'll know that I have learned
that there are things you have to earn
plastic apartments on the prairie
I'll admit it really scares me
I don't remember these
home didn't always feel this way
fake displays
but time put people in their place
home again, here i go again
I don't know what will still stand in the end
all these empty deals
with their big reveals
I wish I could find something that feels real
my porch light is yellow on the frost
I almost forgot
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14. |
14
02:09
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we love to find potential
we covet feeling special,
becoming reverential
clinging to their touch
how else will we be loved?
chip away until we're nothing
unsure of what's to come
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15. |
15
01:55
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unearthing what I want to say
it scares me how disruption stays
I break down and take a walk
suppress the way a mind can lock
you told me told me told me told me
it makes me sick to keep a really good thing
you hold me hold me hold me hold me
but it makes me weak to stay in one place
I wait for something to break
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16. |
16
01:36
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Louisiana hums with a week long rain
I close my eyes and let it wet my face
Louisiana feels like love and warmth
but that doesn't mean I don't think of home
I still cry for my mother
when my car breaks down in the summer
i'm nearly twenty
I'm still my mama's baby
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17. |
17
01:38
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where I want to be is so far away
i long for the day
I'm not bound by anything at all
where is the release you're controlling
there is pain you just can't keep holding
who I want to be, it's hard to say
can't decide my own fate
I'm not bound to anything at all
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18. |
18
01:59
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in my head, I'm running blind
I am feeling for the finish line
under the bed is a june bug, plump with life
I can't find the will to let it die
something sour, something sweet
about this heat
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19. |
19
02:30
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I bike over at 9 pm
I want to make you understand
I pass by my reflection and
I want to be a better friend to you
all the things I'd undo to make space for you
the birds are in their sleeping places
they always have such honest faces
I make my wish but nothing changes
I feel the trees make small exchanges again
all the time I'd un-spend just to fit you in
this is how it feels to hide and then reveal
this is how you love, you take me for what i've become
I don't know why it hurts so much to unzip and open up
this is how I love, nothing heals me like your touch
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20. |
20
01:48
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I've botched a lot of big loves, I've lost a lot of best friends
something 'bout aging makes the pain hot again
I'm turning twenty next week, still waiting for my gut to speak
something 'bout a guarantee makes me more uneasy
I miss a lot of things about my home town
I miss a lot of people I don't really know now
I kissed you real gentle and your voice began to tremble
on the phone in your bathroom
I don't know why I hurt you
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21. |
21
01:45
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in the face of relapse, I guess cleanse isn't easy
you tell me how you want it to be
it's never over, I don't know where this ends
an absence that fills me, I try to speak but I can't
in the wake of resurgence I find my redemption
I tell you what I want to do with this tension
how about closure, why did I run from release?
I'm afraid to let go of a love that consumed me
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22. |
22
02:24
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going, a month gone
nothing to show for what I've done
time makes me rethink what I want
what I want
what do I want
click and lock, put me in a box
this life is not what I though
I'm better off
sort of getting old
sort of on my own
part of letting go
is learning what to hold
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23. |
23
02:45
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for what it's worth
I fell asleep and woke up burnt out
what am I worth?
all these words I just can't get out
we wait for something better to come around and get us
I observe
compare myself to all your ex girls
what am I worth?
my flame is small next to hers
we wait for something better to come around and get us
I spit out what I can't say
I watch you back away
I want to be something brave
don't care about a polished face
for what it's worth
I fell asleep and woke up burnt
out
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24. |
24
03:59
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it's funny how a year can slip
I watch the way your feelings flip
after a while, you cut the bluff
you want to know just what I'm up to
sometimes I am nowhere without you
sometimes I am fine
sometimes I am better off without you
sometimes I am lying
into myself I withdrew
but I will always ache for you
I can't un-feel the little stuff
I want to know just what you're up to
and I loved you heavy
and I loved you quick
and I loved you tired
and I loved you sick
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25. |
25
01:44
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growth comes when you least expect it
you wanted something and you didn't get it
I'm changing, just not the way that you want me
you're so demanding of your twisted complacency
you always want to feel at ease
growth comes when you least expect it
you wanted something and you didn't get it
you didn't get it
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26. |
26
03:06
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fabricate and release
what I want you to see
I'm a catch, ostensibly
I choke on the line
you cut me free
wet with my own deceit
beached by veracity
choke down your salted jokes
I cannot let it go
gutted by my guarded grief
I make my bed, I'm forced to sleep
I'm a catch potentially
but if I bite, I can't breathe
wet with my own deceit
beached by veracity
choke down your salted jokes
I cannot let it go
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27. |
27
04:22
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slowly, light fills the room it's so holy
your hands and the way that they hold me
I won't see you for a while and I get lonely
when you start to let me go so slowly
I'm running out of time
why is it that I always want what I can't have
why is it that I always chase what I can't catch
why is it that I always spill while you hold back
why is it that my traction never seems to last
come back, you're everything I'll never have
daily, I think about who else you've called baby
and the light starts to morph as we're changing
I hold you close cuz I can feel it draining
I don't want to lose the light that you gave me
so I'm making time
why is it that I always want what I can't have
why is it that I always chase what I can't catch
why is it that I always spill while you hold back
why is it that my traction never seems to last
come back, you're everything I'll never
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28. |
28
02:12
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all this silence feeds a bellyache
I'm always so sad on my birthday
I try to be real bubbly and to bake a pretty cake,
but I'm crying in the bathtub with my head between my legs
what do I mean to you?
can you say it out loud?
am I worth a party?
I guess I let you down
I try to speak, but I get choked up
you can't age out of dysphoria
I fall asleep half drunk, breathing heavy through the ache
somehow getting older makes it easier to shake
do I mean something to you?
do you still want me around?
am I worth an effort?
I guess you let me down
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29. |
29
02:03
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behind my eyes is a perfect light, a gentle burn
I want to give love and have it be returned
I step aside, wait until the butter turns
I cry and cry and cry over something I didn't try to preserve
what is so unlovable about me?
why can't I find an open sky, a clarity?
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30. |
30
01:00
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Oak trees reach, kiss my head when I am troubled
they leave my heart mystified and humbled
if you're feeling buried, maybe you're just planted
if you feel that you are reaching, maybe you've expanded
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